Dystopian Paradise

Bits of poetry, mostly just to keep myself organized.

Priest

broken priest
once thought he was divine
he knew God ways
you never could
dream of
crisp white collar
against pitch black night
he thought of himself as an angel
as time ticked by
each year only a second
his faith crumpled around him
the castle he loved was gone
nothing but smoldering embers, reminders
they taunted him
and in his mind
the corridors grew thin
and were tangled with cobwebs
that cut like knives
and when he would breathe deep
he inhaled nothing but spiders
that polluted his mind
so as the years went by
tick
tock
the priest was no longer blind
he could see the corruption
the absence of god
and he felt
alone
so in church in the mornings
his heart poured out flames
and he hated all the people
all the
"forgive me, father"s,
and the
"bless me, father"s,
that surrounded him
drowned him
so the priest hid behind his
whiskey breath
and just waited to shrivel up
into nothingness

    I just cannot stand the darkness.

    bones turn to ash under my skin

    it crumples, bends, until I must give in

    world of steel just bends and breaks

    pieces of heart shattered and scattered from all the heartaches

    I try and forget but it’s constantly there

    there’s no color anymore, the world is bare

    my lips start to bleed as I rip them apart

    I don’t know how to speak, I don’t know where I’d start

    every time I try not to remember

    it sparks back up, this dying ember

    of what happened to me so long ago

    of the million secrets that no one will ever know

    I’m spiraling down, close to being lost

    just save me, darling, no matter the cost

    I don’t care how long it takes, a million years

    because I’m sick of drowning in all of these tears

    so just speak to me, tell me what is right

    I’m giving up, just done with the fight

    show me the way, show me the light

    I just cannot stand the darkness.


     

    Mocking Bird

    Shh, darling don’t say a word
    Mommy’s gonna break this mocking bird.
    She’s gonna snap each bone and grind it all down
    Then she’s gonna put feathers together into a crown.

    Damned

    do you ever sit

    late at night

    and feel your heart

    tick

    tick

    tick

    and feel the blood

    the cursed blood

    pump through your veins

    count the seconds 

    that wash by

    leaving you cold

    do you ever wonder

    why

    why did it have to be

    me

    don’t you hate it

    when you know you’re

    damned

    before you even begin

    all eternity torn

    blistered tongue 

    from all those lies

    broken mouth

    and blood shot eyes

    but you didn’t sin

    no, not you

    the man before

    and he passed them on

    along with his blood

    and now he makes you bleed

    so all you can do

    the only thing you can control

    is the tick tick of your

    damned heart

    but sometimes 

    you can’t control that either.

    How to watch your brother die

    When the call comes, be calm.
    Say to your wife, “My brother is dying. I have to fly 
    to California.”
    try not to be shocked that he already looks like 
    a cadaver.
    Say to the young man sitting by your brother’s side, 
    “I’m his brother.”
    Try not to be shocked when the young man says,
    “I’m his lover. Thanks for coming.”

    Listen to the doctor with a steel face on.
    Sign the necessary forms.
    Tell the doctor you will take care of everything.
    Wonder why doctors are so remote.

    Watch the lover’s eyes as they stare into
    your brother’s eyes as they stare into
    space.
    Wonder what they see there.
    Remember the time he was jealous and
    opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick.
    Forgive him out loud
    even if he can’t
    understand you.
    Realize the scar will be
    all that’s left of him. 

    Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria
    say to the lover, “You’re an extremely good-looking
    young man.”
    Hear him say,
    “I never thought I was good enough looking to
    deserve your brother.”

    Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say,
    “I’m sorry. I don’t know what it means to be
    the lover of another man.”
    Hear him say,
    “Its just like a wife, only the commitment is
    deeper because the odds against you are so much
    greater.”
    Say nothing, but
    take his hand like a brother’s.

    Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might 
    help him live longer.
    Explain what they are to the border guard.
    Fill with rage when he informs you,
    “You can’t bring those across.”
    Begin to grow loud.
    Feel the lover’s hand on your arm
    restraining you. See in the guard’s eye
    how much a man can hate another man.
    Say to the lover, “How can you stand it?”
    Hear him say, “You get used to it.”
    Think of one of your children getting used to
    another man’s hatred.

    Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her,
    “He hasn’t much time.
    I’ll be home soon.” Before you hang up say,
    “How could anyone’s commitment be deeper than
    a husband and a wife?” Hear her say,
    “Please. I don’t want to know all the details.”

    When he slips into an irrevocable coma,
    hold his lover in your arms while he sobs,
    no longer strong. Wonder how much longer
    you will be able to be strong.
    Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms
    whose arms are used to holding men.
    Offer God anything to bring your brother back.
    Know you have nothing God could possibly want.
    Curse God, but do not
    abandon Him.

    Stare at the face of the funeral director
    when he tells you he will not
    embalm the body for fear of
    contamination. Let him see in your eyes
    how much a man can hate another man.

    Stand beside a casket covered in flowers,
    white flowers. Say,
    “thank you for coming,” to each of seven hundred men
    who file past in tears, some of them
    holding hands. Know that your brother’s life
    was not what you imagined. Overhear two
    mourners say, “I wonder who’ll be next?” and
    “I don’t care anymore,
    as long as it isn’t you.”

    Arrange to take an early flight home.
    His lover will drive you to the airport.
    When your flight is announced say,
    awkwardly, “If I can do anything, please
    let me know.” Do not flinch when he says, 
    “Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him
    after he told you. He did.”
    Stop and let it soak in. Say,
    “He forgave me, or he knew himself?”
    “Both,” the lover will say, not knowing what else
    to do. Hold him like a brother while he
    kisses you on the cheek. Think that
    you haven’t been kissed by a man since
    your father died. Think,
    “This is no moment to be strong.”

    Fly first class and drink Scotch. Stroke
    your split eyebrow with a finger and 
    think of your brother alive. Smile
    at the memory and think
    how your children will feel in your arms
    warm and friendly and without challenge.

    - Michael Lassell

    Dangerous.

    the most dreadful thing

    is to mess with ones mind

    to hide ideas 

    for them to find

    to plant little seeds

    of hope or doubt

    to leave them all feeling

    as though they are without

    any control of themselves

    or of their own thought

    and it’s dangerous to think of

    what one idea has brought

    is it even your own

    is it even mine

    the most dreadful thing

    is to fuck with my mind

    Cardinal with shattered wings

    i saw a fortune teller

    and she told me of my past

    i once was a bird

    did you know that?

    —-

    she thinks i was a cardinal

    i think I was a raven

    i’d like to be a raven

    next time.

    —-

    sometimes i think i see 

    more than others do

    but maybe i

    just see differently.

    —-

    if i were a raven

    i’d explore the world

    with wings 

    that blotted out the moon.

    —-

    but just a cardinal

    they’re nothing special

    they get hit by cars

    all the time.

    —-

    i bet i got hit by a car

    and my cardinal blood

    matched my cardinal feathers

    covering the street.

    —-

    i’d hate to be that

    birds mother

    finding it there

    with shattered wings.

    Do you want to know a secret?

    I’ll never tell a soul

    I promise

    Pinky swear

    Just trust me

    I’ll never let it go

    I promise

    I can’t erase

    This memory

    I’ll never let them know

    I promise

    About the time

    You came at night

    I’ll never sleep alone

    I promise

    Without safety

    I think of your sight

    I’ll never let it show

    I promise

    The scars you left

    On a broken heart

    I’ll never ever grow

    I promise

    Daddy’s little girl

    We’ll never be apart

    I’ll never be alright

    I promise

    With all these secrets

    Lips sealed tight

    little girl with little playthings

    she’s got the world on a string

    keeps it with all her playthings

    she takes it out at night

    to watch all the people with fright

    she sits alone in her room

    she sits alone in her gloom

    and she watches the people

    from up in her steeple

    and laughs at the way

    we go through our days

    plays with marbles and jacks

    while the humans make pacts

    they try to survive

    ha! they’re not even alive

    This poem is old, and is irrelevant to my current emotion.

    blue eyes burn in the back 

    of my mind

    i’ll always remember

    i try to forget

    it’s so easy to blame

    you for this.

    but we know

    i’ve done this to myself.

    hearing you talk about her

    you’re blissful

    for you, it’s perfection

    for me?

    torture.

    i knew everything about you

    right shoe tied tighter than the left.

    you regard me as a stranger

    tear me down

    until there’s nothing left.

    everyone has their 

    skeletons in their 

    closet, but for me?

    all i have

    all i am 

    is regret.

    you’ve forgotten me

    some days you don’t cross my mind

    but then i remember

    right shoe tied tighter than the

    left.

    Ice over everything

    Ice over everything
    just leaves us all cold
    We used it till the sun grew tired
    We’ve broken this world
    Left us in the dark
    we try to remember
    Where are the stars?
    We’ll be alive forever.
    Each minute an eternity
    death will be swift
    Punished with immortality
    Rest will be our final gift.  

    That’s just how the world works.

    Her vanity is what killed his pride and left him empty, wanting.

    His passion is what sucked her dry until she had nothing left to give.

    Her dismissal took his hope and made him full of yearning.

    His persistence made her feel trapped and desperate to be alone.

    Her detachment left him with nothing.

    His insistence took everything. 

    Wait, I’m supposed to have a title?

    Wishes only leave people wishing,
    dreams are all in vain.
    Holding tightly suffocates,
    letting go leaves you with pain.
    Affection makes you feel exposed,
    seclusion keeps you alone.
    Exploring yourself is dangerous,
    without it you remain unknown.  

    This is where I’m supposed to tell you, it’s only for the sake of poetry.

    You always told me I’d be nothing
    I never wanted to let you down
    I’ll live up to your lack of expectations
    I’ll become what I never wanted to be
    Just another name, easily forgotten
    Another girl, nobody can recall
    The only thing I’ll ever move
    Is the dirt it takes to bury me
    The only thing I’ll ever change
    Is your opinion of me
    Is this what it takes?
    To make you proud?

    I’ll hide forever
    Choking on faux smiles
    Nobody will see that I’m breaking

    No
    Not breaking
    Already broken.

    Those who try to
    Pick up the pieces
    Only end up cut.

    I try to pull myself back up
    Tape together who I used to be
    I’ve done it so many times
    So many times..
    But I keep collapsing.
    A house of cards
    I’m a house of cards
    One push
    One tap
    One word
    And I collapse. 

    I Can’t Even Do Wrong Right

    I throw my hand through this wall of glass,
    Drops of crimson life pouring down,
    My lies seep out, turning blood filled rubies black,
    Would you turn away from me, if you saw me now?

    The floor’s tainted with my worthless tears,
    No reason for you to stay here,
    This rope is tightening, strangling, breaking,
    I can’t even do wrong right.

    Water feels like lead over my skin,
    A gasp of air manages to escape,
    My ice cold face looks like a strange mask,
    Why aren’t you here to keep me down?

    A childhood melody playing through my mind,
    counting the pills as they slide down,
    I never thought I would end up like this,
    Sleep will be my everlasting relief.

    I close my eyes, dress draping off the sides,
    this bed feels like it’s made of clouds,
    my hair my own personal halo,
    do I belong in heaven?

    I feel as though I can’t hold on,
    my consciousness fading,
    what will you think,
    when you find me here?

    My hands are cold,
    my feet numb,
    I don’t think I can,
    hold on.

    The end is here, I feel death’s presence,
    He is here with me, in this room,
    yet one thought stays in my mind,
    keeps me here;

    Will you still love me,

    after you see what I have done?