Dystopian Paradise

Priest

broken priest
once thought he was divine
he knew God ways
you never could
dream of
crisp white collar
against pitch black night
he thought of himself as an angel
as time ticked by
each year only a second
his faith crumpled around him
the castle he loved was gone
nothing but smoldering embers, reminders
they taunted him
and in his mind
the corridors grew thin
and were tangled with cobwebs
that cut like knives
and when he would breathe deep
he inhaled nothing but spiders
that polluted his mind
so as the years went by
tick
tock
the priest was no longer blind
he could see the corruption
the absence of god
and he felt
alone
so in church in the mornings
his heart poured out flames
and he hated all the people
all the
“forgive me, father”s,
and the
“bless me, father”s,
that surrounded him
drowned him
so the priest hid behind his
whiskey breath
and just waited to shrivel up
into nothingness

I just cannot stand the darkness.

bones turn to ash under my skin

it crumples, bends, until I must give in

world of steel just bends and breaks

pieces of heart shattered and scattered from all the heartaches

I try and forget but it’s constantly there

there’s no color anymore, the world is bare

my lips start to bleed as I rip them apart

I don’t know how to speak, I don’t know where I’d start

every time I try not to remember

it sparks back up, this dying ember

of what happened to me so long ago

of the million secrets that no one will ever know

I’m spiraling down, close to being lost

just save me, darling, no matter the cost

I don’t care how long it takes, a million years

because I’m sick of drowning in all of these tears

so just speak to me, tell me what is right

I’m giving up, just done with the fight

show me the way, show me the light

I just cannot stand the darkness.


 

Mocking Bird

Shh, darling don’t say a word
Mommy’s gonna break this mocking bird.
She’s gonna snap each bone and grind it all down
Then she’s gonna put feathers together into a crown.

Damned

do you ever sit

late at night

and feel your heart

tick

tick

tick

and feel the blood

the cursed blood

pump through your veins

count the seconds 

that wash by

leaving you cold

do you ever wonder

why

why did it have to be

me

don’t you hate it

when you know you’re

damned

before you even begin

all eternity torn

blistered tongue 

from all those lies

broken mouth

and blood shot eyes

but you didn’t sin

no, not you

the man before

and he passed them on

along with his blood

and now he makes you bleed

so all you can do

the only thing you can control

is the tick tick of your

damned heart

but sometimes 

you can’t control that either.

How to watch your brother die

Listen to the doctor with a steel face on.
Sign the necessary forms.
Tell the doctor you will take care of everything.
Wonder why doctors are so remote.

Watch the lover’s eyes as they stare into
your brother’s eyes as they stare into
space.
Wonder what they see there.
Remember the time he was jealous and
opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick.
Forgive him out loud
even if he can’t
understand you.
Realize the scar will be
all that’s left of him. 

Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria
say to the lover, “You’re an extremely good-looking
young man.”
Hear him say,
“I never thought I was good enough looking to
deserve your brother.”

Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say,
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what it means to be
the lover of another man.”
Hear him say,
“Its just like a wife, only the commitment is
deeper because the odds against you are so much
greater.”
Say nothing, but
take his hand like a brother’s.

Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might 
help him live longer.
Explain what they are to the border guard.
Fill with rage when he informs you,
“You can’t bring those across.”
Begin to grow loud.
Feel the lover’s hand on your arm
restraining you. See in the guard’s eye
how much a man can hate another man.
Say to the lover, “How can you stand it?”
Hear him say, “You get used to it.”
Think of one of your children getting used to
another man’s hatred.

Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her,
“He hasn’t much time.
I’ll be home soon.” Before you hang up say,
“How could anyone’s commitment be deeper than
a husband and a wife?” Hear her say,
“Please. I don’t want to know all the details.”

When he slips into an irrevocable coma,
hold his lover in your arms while he sobs,
no longer strong. Wonder how much longer
you will be able to be strong.
Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms
whose arms are used to holding men.
Offer God anything to bring your brother back.
Know you have nothing God could possibly want.
Curse God, but do not
abandon Him.

Stare at the face of the funeral director
when he tells you he will not
embalm the body for fear of
contamination. Let him see in your eyes
how much a man can hate another man.

Stand beside a casket covered in flowers,
white flowers. Say,
“thank you for coming,” to each of seven hundred men
who file past in tears, some of them
holding hands. Know that your brother’s life
was not what you imagined. Overhear two
mourners say, “I wonder who’ll be next?” and
“I don’t care anymore,
as long as it isn’t you.”

Arrange to take an early flight home.
His lover will drive you to the airport.
When your flight is announced say,
awkwardly, “If I can do anything, please
let me know.” Do not flinch when he says, 
“Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him
after he told you. He did.”
Stop and let it soak in. Say,
“He forgave me, or he knew himself?”
“Both,” the lover will say, not knowing what else
to do. Hold him like a brother while he
kisses you on the cheek. Think that
you haven’t been kissed by a man since
your father died. Think,
“This is no moment to be strong.”

Fly first class and drink Scotch. Stroke
your split eyebrow with a finger and 
think of your brother alive. Smile
at the memory and think
how your children will feel in your arms
warm and friendly and without challenge.

- Michael Lassell

Dangerous.

the most dreadful thing

is to mess with ones mind

to hide ideas 

for them to find

to plant little seeds

of hope or doubt

to leave them all feeling

as though they are without

any control of themselves

or of their own thought

and it’s dangerous to think of

what one idea has brought

is it even your own

is it even mine

the most dreadful thing

is to fuck with my mind

Cardinal with shattered wings

i saw a fortune teller

and she told me of my past

i once was a bird

did you know that?

—-

she thinks i was a cardinal

i think I was a raven

i’d like to be a raven

next time.

—-

sometimes i think i see 

more than others do

but maybe i

just see differently.

—-

if i were a raven

i’d explore the world

with wings 

that blotted out the moon.

—-

but just a cardinal

they’re nothing special

they get hit by cars

all the time.

—-

i bet i got hit by a car

and my cardinal blood

matched my cardinal feathers

covering the street.

—-

i’d hate to be that

birds mother

finding it there

with shattered wings.

Do you want to know a secret?

I’ll never tell a soul

I promise

Pinky swear

Just trust me

I’ll never let it go

I promise

I can’t erase

This memory

I’ll never let them know

I promise

About the time

You came at night

I’ll never sleep alone

I promise

Without safety

I think of your sight

I’ll never let it show

I promise

The scars you left

On a broken heart

I’ll never ever grow

I promise

Daddy’s little girl

We’ll never be apart

I’ll never be alright

I promise

With all these secrets

Lips sealed tight

little girl with little playthings

she’s got the world on a string

keeps it with all her playthings

she takes it out at night

to watch all the people with fright

she sits alone in her room

she sits alone in her gloom

and she watches the people

from up in her steeple

and laughs at the way

we go through our days

plays with marbles and jacks

while the humans make pacts

they try to survive

ha! they’re not even alive

This poem is old, and is irrelevant to my current emotion.

blue eyes burn in the back 

of my mind

i’ll always remember

i try to forget

it’s so easy to blame

you for this.

but we know

i’ve done this to myself.

hearing you talk about her

you’re blissful

for you, it’s perfection

for me?

torture.

i knew everything about you

right shoe tied tighter than the left.

you regard me as a stranger

tear me down

until there’s nothing left.

everyone has their 

skeletons in their 

closet, but for me?

all i have

all i am 

is regret.

you’ve forgotten me

some days you don’t cross my mind

but then i remember

right shoe tied tighter than the

left.

Ice over everything

Ice over everything
just leaves us all cold
We used it till the sun grew tired
We’ve broken this world
Left us in the dark
we try to remember
Where are the stars?
We’ll be alive forever.
Each minute an eternity
death will be swift
Punished with immortality
Rest will be our final gift.  

That’s just how the world works.

Her vanity is what killed his pride and left him empty, wanting.

His passion is what sucked her dry until she had nothing left to give.

Her dismissal took his hope and made him full of yearning.

His persistence made her feel trapped and desperate to be alone.

Her detachment left him with nothing.

His insistence took everything. 

Wait, I’m supposed to have a title?

Wishes only leave people wishing,
dreams are all in vain.
Holding tightly suffocates,
letting go leaves you with pain.
Affection makes you feel exposed,
seclusion keeps you alone.
Exploring yourself is dangerous,
without it you remain unknown.  

This is where I’m supposed to tell you, it’s only for the sake of poetry.

You always told me I’d be nothing
I never wanted to let you down
I’ll live up to your lack of expectations
I’ll become what I never wanted to be
Just another name, easily forgotten
Another girl, nobody can recall
The only thing I’ll ever move
Is the dirt it takes to bury me
The only thing I’ll ever change
Is your opinion of me
Is this what it takes?
To make you proud?

I’ll hide forever
Choking on faux smiles
Nobody will see that I’m breaking

No
Not breaking
Already broken.

Those who try to
Pick up the pieces
Only end up cut.

I try to pull myself back up
Tape together who I used to be
I’ve done it so many times
So many times..
But I keep collapsing.
A house of cards
I’m a house of cards
One push
One tap
One word
And I collapse. 

I Can’t Even Do Wrong Right

I throw my hand through this wall of glass,
Drops of crimson life pouring down,
My lies seep out, turning blood filled rubies black,
Would you turn away from me, if you saw me now?

The floor’s tainted with my worthless tears,
No reason for you to stay here,
This rope is tightening, strangling, breaking,
I can’t even do wrong right.

Water feels like lead over my skin,
A gasp of air manages to escape,
My ice cold face looks like a strange mask,
Why aren’t you here to keep me down?

A childhood melody playing through my mind,
counting the pills as they slide down,
I never thought I would end up like this,
Sleep will be my everlasting relief.

I close my eyes, dress draping off the sides,
this bed feels like it’s made of clouds,
my hair my own personal halo,
do I belong in heaven?

I feel as though I can’t hold on,
my consciousness fading,
what will you think,
when you find me here?

My hands are cold,
my feet numb,
I don’t think I can,
hold on.

The end is here, I feel death’s presence,
He is here with me, in this room,
yet one thought stays in my mind,
keeps me here;

Will you still love me,

after you see what I have done?