once thought he was divine
he knew God ways
you never could
crisp white collar
against pitch black night
he thought of himself as an angel
as time ticked by
each year only a second
his faith crumpled around him
the castle he loved was gone
nothing but smoldering embers, reminders
they taunted him
and in his mind
the corridors grew thin
and were tangled with cobwebs
that cut like knives
and when he would breathe deep
he inhaled nothing but spiders
that polluted his mind
so as the years went by
the priest was no longer blind
he could see the corruption
the absence of god
and he felt
so in church in the mornings
his heart poured out flames
and he hated all the people
"forgive me, father"s,
"bless me, father"s,
that surrounded him
so the priest hid behind his
and just waited to shrivel up
bones turn to ash under my skin
it crumples, bends, until I must give in
world of steel just bends and breaks
pieces of heart shattered and scattered from all the heartaches
I try and forget but it’s constantly there
there’s no color anymore, the world is bare
my lips start to bleed as I rip them apart
I don’t know how to speak, I don’t know where I’d start
every time I try not to remember
it sparks back up, this dying ember
of what happened to me so long ago
of the million secrets that no one will ever know
I’m spiraling down, close to being lost
just save me, darling, no matter the cost
I don’t care how long it takes, a million years
because I’m sick of drowning in all of these tears
so just speak to me, tell me what is right
I’m giving up, just done with the fight
show me the way, show me the light
I just cannot stand the darkness.
Shh, darling don’t say a word
Mommy’s gonna break this mocking bird.
She’s gonna snap each bone and grind it all down
Then she’s gonna put feathers together into a crown.
do you ever sit
late at night
and feel your heart
and feel the blood
the cursed blood
pump through your veins
count the seconds
that wash by
leaving you cold
do you ever wonder
why did it have to be
don’t you hate it
when you know you’re
before you even begin
all eternity torn
from all those lies
and blood shot eyes
but you didn’t sin
no, not you
the man before
and he passed them on
along with his blood
and now he makes you bleed
so all you can do
the only thing you can control
is the tick tick of your
you can’t control that either.
Say to your wife, “My brother is dying. I have to fly
try not to be shocked that he already looks like
Say to the young man sitting by your brother’s side,
“I’m his brother.”
Try not to be shocked when the young man says,
“I’m his lover. Thanks for coming.”
Listen to the doctor with a steel face on.
Sign the necessary forms.
Tell the doctor you will take care of everything.
Wonder why doctors are so remote.
Watch the lover’s eyes as they stare into
your brother’s eyes as they stare into
Wonder what they see there.
Remember the time he was jealous and
opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick.
Forgive him out loud
even if he can’t
Realize the scar will be
all that’s left of him.
Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria
say to the lover, “You’re an extremely good-looking
Hear him say,
“I never thought I was good enough looking to
deserve your brother.”
Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say,
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what it means to be
the lover of another man.”
Hear him say,
“Its just like a wife, only the commitment is
deeper because the odds against you are so much
Say nothing, but
take his hand like a brother’s.
Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might
help him live longer.
Explain what they are to the border guard.
Fill with rage when he informs you,
“You can’t bring those across.”
Begin to grow loud.
Feel the lover’s hand on your arm
restraining you. See in the guard’s eye
how much a man can hate another man.
Say to the lover, “How can you stand it?”
Hear him say, “You get used to it.”
Think of one of your children getting used to
another man’s hatred.
Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her,
“He hasn’t much time.
I’ll be home soon.” Before you hang up say,
“How could anyone’s commitment be deeper than
a husband and a wife?” Hear her say,
“Please. I don’t want to know all the details.”
When he slips into an irrevocable coma,
hold his lover in your arms while he sobs,
no longer strong. Wonder how much longer
you will be able to be strong.
Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms
whose arms are used to holding men.
Offer God anything to bring your brother back.
Know you have nothing God could possibly want.
Curse God, but do not
Stare at the face of the funeral director
when he tells you he will not
embalm the body for fear of
contamination. Let him see in your eyes
how much a man can hate another man.
Stand beside a casket covered in flowers,
white flowers. Say,
“thank you for coming,” to each of seven hundred men
who file past in tears, some of them
holding hands. Know that your brother’s life
was not what you imagined. Overhear two
mourners say, “I wonder who’ll be next?” and
“I don’t care anymore,
as long as it isn’t you.”
Arrange to take an early flight home.
His lover will drive you to the airport.
When your flight is announced say,
awkwardly, “If I can do anything, please
let me know.” Do not flinch when he says,
“Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him
after he told you. He did.”
Stop and let it soak in. Say,
“He forgave me, or he knew himself?”
“Both,” the lover will say, not knowing what else
to do. Hold him like a brother while he
kisses you on the cheek. Think that
you haven’t been kissed by a man since
your father died. Think,
“This is no moment to be strong.”
Fly first class and drink Scotch. Stroke
your split eyebrow with a finger and
think of your brother alive. Smile
at the memory and think
how your children will feel in your arms
warm and friendly and without challenge.
- Michael Lassell
the most dreadful thing
is to mess with ones mind
to hide ideas
for them to find
to plant little seeds
of hope or doubt
to leave them all feeling
as though they are without
any control of themselves
or of their own thought
and it’s dangerous to think of
what one idea has brought
is it even your own
is it even mine
the most dreadful thing
is to fuck with my mind
i saw a fortune teller
and she told me of my past
i once was a bird
did you know that?
she thinks i was a cardinal
i think I was a raven
i’d like to be a raven
sometimes i think i see
more than others do
but maybe i
just see differently.
if i were a raven
i’d explore the world
that blotted out the moon.
but just a cardinal
they’re nothing special
they get hit by cars
all the time.
i bet i got hit by a car
and my cardinal blood
matched my cardinal feathers
covering the street.
i’d hate to be that
finding it there
with shattered wings.
I’ll never tell a soul
Just trust me
I’ll never let it go
I can’t erase
I’ll never let them know
About the time
You came at night
I’ll never sleep alone
I think of your sight
I’ll never let it show
The scars you left
On a broken heart
I’ll never ever grow
Daddy’s little girl
We’ll never be apart
I’ll never be alright
With all these secrets
Lips sealed tight
she’s got the world on a string
keeps it with all her playthings
she takes it out at night
to watch all the people with fright
she sits alone in her room
she sits alone in her gloom
and she watches the people
from up in her steeple
and laughs at the way
we go through our days
plays with marbles and jacks
while the humans make pacts
they try to survive
ha! they’re not even alive
blue eyes burn in the back
of my mind
i’ll always remember
i try to forget
it’s so easy to blame
you for this.
but we know
i’ve done this to myself.
hearing you talk about her
for you, it’s perfection
i knew everything about you
right shoe tied tighter than the left.
you regard me as a stranger
tear me down
until there’s nothing left.
everyone has their
skeletons in their
closet, but for me?
all i have
all i am
you’ve forgotten me
some days you don’t cross my mind
but then i remember
right shoe tied tighter than the
Ice over everything
just leaves us all cold
We used it till the sun grew tired
We’ve broken this world
Left us in the dark
we try to remember
Where are the stars?
We’ll be alive forever.
Each minute an eternity
death will be swift
Punished with immortality
Rest will be our final gift.
Her vanity is what killed his pride and left him empty, wanting.
His passion is what sucked her dry until she had nothing left to give.
Her dismissal took his hope and made him full of yearning.
His persistence made her feel trapped and desperate to be alone.
Her detachment left him with nothing.
His insistence took everything.
Wishes only leave people wishing,
dreams are all in vain.
Holding tightly suffocates,
letting go leaves you with pain.
Affection makes you feel exposed,
seclusion keeps you alone.
Exploring yourself is dangerous,
without it you remain unknown.
You always told me I’d be nothing
I never wanted to let you down
I’ll live up to your lack of expectations
I’ll become what I never wanted to be
Just another name, easily forgotten
Another girl, nobody can recall
The only thing I’ll ever move
Is the dirt it takes to bury me
The only thing I’ll ever change
Is your opinion of me
Is this what it takes?
To make you proud?
I’ll hide forever
Choking on faux smiles
Nobody will see that I’m breaking
Those who try to
Pick up the pieces
Only end up cut.
I try to pull myself back up
Tape together who I used to be
I’ve done it so many times
So many times..
But I keep collapsing.
A house of cards
I’m a house of cards
And I collapse.
I throw my hand through this wall of glass,
Drops of crimson life pouring down,
My lies seep out, turning blood filled rubies black,
Would you turn away from me, if you saw me now?
The floor’s tainted with my worthless tears,
No reason for you to stay here,
This rope is tightening, strangling, breaking,
I can’t even do wrong right.
Water feels like lead over my skin,
A gasp of air manages to escape,
My ice cold face looks like a strange mask,
Why aren’t you here to keep me down?
A childhood melody playing through my mind,
counting the pills as they slide down,
I never thought I would end up like this,
Sleep will be my everlasting relief.
I close my eyes, dress draping off the sides,
this bed feels like it’s made of clouds,
my hair my own personal halo,
do I belong in heaven?
I feel as though I can’t hold on,
my consciousness fading,
what will you think,
when you find me here?
My hands are cold,
my feet numb,
I don’t think I can,
The end is here, I feel death’s presence,
He is here with me, in this room,
yet one thought stays in my mind,
keeps me here;
Will you still love me,
after you see what I have done?